She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
