I wanna passion pit in your ass
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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