she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
