my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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