currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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