If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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