I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
