My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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