What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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