took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
