I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
