I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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