I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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