well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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