wanna go halves on a baby?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
