Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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