Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
