I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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