my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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