Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
