Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Randomize
