At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
