Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
