my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We have started to decorate penises.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize