i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
