Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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