My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize