I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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