Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
