Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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