So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
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