He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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