I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
