So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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