Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize