a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
