he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
