Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
