At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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