just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
