your thong is hanging out like whoa
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
there is puke in my bra ... again
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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