I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
