So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
