i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
