You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
