Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
