my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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