It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
