he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
