I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
