I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
