Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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