mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
