she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
