never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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