stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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