Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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