remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I didn't notice because vodka
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
